As many of you know Shane and I became parents by way of adoption this January. Throughout the process we have learned so much and we want to pass all of the good, the bad, and the ugly along to you in hopes of making your adoption journey a little easier.

When starting your adoption journey it’s important to make a couple of clear decisions: What age child are you hoping to adopt? From where are you hoping to adopt said child? We knew we wanted to adopt a newborn from here in the U.S. and began our domestic infant adoption journey in summer of 2020. We looked into numerous local Minnesota agencies, attended a handful of informational seminars, completed questionnaires/pre-applications and dipped our toes in the vast sea of all things adoption. These experiences were a bit overwhelming, but very helpful and informative in understanding the ins and outs of the adoption process and what to expect moving forward. After all, the more information you can ingest throughout this process, the better. We were just about to settle on an adoption agency here in Minnesota (with an open-ended timeline that could’ve taken years) when a follower on social media reached out and suggested that we reach out to Nicole Witt of The Adoption Consultancy - they explained that they had successfully adopted two children using her services. We learned that the adoptions Nicole works on take an average of 3-12 months. The hopes of a quick match and Nicole’s clear expertise and professionalism made the decision an easy one for us.

First things first, utilizing an adoption consultant and following this process definitely increases the overall adoption budget. It is much cheaper to sign up with one local agency, create a profile, and wait until the universe decides if/when it’s time for you to become parents. COVID has had a substantial impact on the adoption industry and has created a significant decrease in the number of mothers choosing adoption, leaving many people waiting years to match. We knew we wanted to fast track things and decided to allocate some of our budget toward using a consultant. You can do your own research on the average overall cost of adoption/different consultants/financing options/etc., but to avoid going down a rabbit hole, we were expecting to spend around $40,000-$60,000 on our first adoption and had these funds ready to go. In addition, we were very fortunate that Shane’s company offers some adoption assistance. We realize that our situation is not average and feel very fortunate to have his company’s support, financial and otherwise; thanks BCG!

We set up our first call with Nicole Witt in late November of 2020. It was an informational call and she walked us through her entire process. After this call, we knew we had to work with The Adoption Consultancy and got right to work. We filled out paperwork, made our first payment, and then Nicole sent us a few hours of pre-recorded content to listen to. Concurrently, we reached out to Adoption Minnesota to set up our home study. We decided on Adoption Minnesota to conduct our home study based on the same friend’s recommendation who suggested we work with Nicole (thank you again Tony, you’re the best!). The home study is the process where a licensed social worker conducts a handful of interviews and home visits to confirm that a family is fit to adopt. We also completed all of the other necessary requirements: background checks, fingerprints, bank statements, health screenings, etc., as advised by either The Adoption Consultancy and/or Adoption Minnesota.

After all of these formalities were underway, we met Janna from The Adoption Consultancy. She is the profile guru and we immediately got to work on creating our profile. An adoption profile is a document (sometimes printed, sometimes digital) that is shared with birth parents when they are selecting a potential adoptive parent or parents for their child. Most agencies will share 5–20 different families’ profiles with birth parents when they are deciding who might be best to parent their child, which means these profiles are an integral part of the process and their design/content must be heavily considered. Our profile was a clear and concise snapshot of who we are, what we do, our neighborhood/home, our family/pets, our plans for parenting, etc. In addition to years of experience and expertise, this rigorous profile-building process is what sets The Adoption Consultancy apart from many others and a huge factor in their success. Most agencies ask that you create a 1-3 page profile. With Nicole and Janna, we created a 16-page profile using specific/detailed language geared toward the birth parents and how we planned to raise their child, vs the usual showcase of our life and what we wanted for our child. We spent six weeks and numerous rounds of revisions to get our profile just right. This process was extremely thorough and we learned so much about ourselves and who we wanted to be as parents. We genuinely had a great time going through photos and picking stories to highlight! This process made it vividly clear why The Adoption Consultancy has the successful match record that they do.

As we were finishing up our home study and profile, Nicole gave us a list of agencies that she suggested we apply to. A key differentiator in working with Nicole is her strategy of multi-listing with numerous agencies at the same time. After all, matching is a numbers game — the more opportunities, the better. Nicole has experience working with all of the agencies she recommends and she has a thorough understanding of the adoption laws in each state. The agencies she suggested for us were all in states where the adoption laws are more favorable for the adoptive parents; many of which allow birth parents to sign termination of parental rights (T.P.R) paperwork within 72 hours after birth. As an aside: there are lots of great reasons why states differ on these laws and often have rights weighted more toward birth parents. As we went through our journey though, we wanted to minimize risk that the mother or parents would change their mind, so we selected states where we were more protected. In the states Nicole suggested, once T.P.R paperwork is signed and baby is released with the adoptive parents, the ability for birth parents to reclaim the child becomes much more difficult. It is important to understand that in some states there are laws which allow birth parent(s) to reclaim their child for 30-45 days post placement. This means you could take a child home with you, and then 30-45 days later have the birth parent(s) change their mind, making you legally required to reunite the child with their birth parent(s), regardless of agreements signed, money spent, home study clearance, etc. Again, we will not get into all of the legalities as each state has many factors that make them unique/distinct, but we suggest that you always follow the guidance of the adoption professional/attorney/agency that you are working with for the specific laws in each state.

Nicole suggested we apply with three agencies in Florida, two in Utah, one in Arizona and one in Texas. These states all have adoption laws that are more favorable for adoptive parents. Once we received this list we started on the mountain of paperwork to apply with six separate agencies; like seriously, SO MUCH PAPERWORK! We should also mention a pretty substantial chunk of money in application fees. Some agencies are competitive and will only take on a certain number of families at one time. For example, we were denied by the Texas agency Nicole suggested, our top choice, likely because they already had a family/families that matched our situation.

Once we were approved by the other agencies and paid our fees, we went live and started to receive potential cases/matches. Each agency has different processes for sharing cases with families. Some agencies require you check their website daily for new opportunities, others screen cases on your behalf and only send you cases you might be interested in, others reach out because you are the only family that matches that birth parents’ wishes for their child. For months we received cases, and every time we got an email our hearts lept from our chests and the thought of becoming parents felt so close. We received roughly 20 cases throughout those first six months of being active with our agencies, many of which we decided to pass on due to severe drug/alcohol use by birth moms, which is one area we both agreed to be selective on. We only put our hat in the ring for five cases and for each of those cases (some taking weeks to hear back on) we received emails saying that after much consideration the birth parent(s) selected another family… and hearing that news is SO hard. You eventually become more prepared for these build-ups and let downs, but our biggest piece of advice is to put yourself in the birth parents’ shoes and imagine how incredibly difficult it must be for them. So yes, while this process is mentally exhausting, try to have patience and faith that these disappointments will all be worth it once you match. But trust us, some days you want to throw your hands up and walk away from adoption entirely.

Now might be a good time to talk about how the process of waiting to match led us to explore other avenues for becoming parents. After the first few months went by and we were getting a little discouraged/anxious, we sat down and asked ourselves if infant adoption was the only option we were willing to consider to become parents. We decided no, and started to explore the potential of becoming parents through adoption from the foster care system. We talked to friends who had been through the process, read a ton, attended informational seminars and classes on adoption from foster care and eventually inquired about becoming parents to 3-5 different children or sibling sets. Same here, each time we were eventually told that another family had been selected. By late Summer 2021 we were feeling pretty defeated, but continued to press forward.

Fall 2021 is when things really started to pick up. We got a call from one of our Utah agencies in late October about a baby boy due December 12th. The birth mom had already picked us and the match would be confirmed if we said yes. Birth mom admitted to drinking heavily throughout her first trimester and we asked for a few days to deliberate. Early on in our adoption process we wrote down a list of deal breakers – one of those being heavy drinking during pregnancy. After months of waiting for a potential match and having the opportunity to become dads right in front of us, we stuck to our initial deal breakers and ultimately decided to pass on this baby boy. But let me tell you, knowing you could bring home your first child for Christmas, but weighing the real concern that is fetal alcohol syndrome was one of the most difficult decisions we have ever had to make. We hope that little boy and his new family are doing well.

And then one day it happened. It was evening on November 10, 2021. We were home and Shane was working in the office when we both received a text from our agency in Florida, Destiny Adoptions. A one liner, “Hi Guys! Do you have time to talk tonight?” and we will never forget that moment. I ran into the office and we both looked at each other and thought… this might be it. We quickly called our agency and they described the situation. The birth mom wanted a fully closed adoption and asked the adoption agency to pick the family. Based on a few things the birth mom said, the agency decided that we were the best family to parent this child. On paper, the case was practically perfect and it all felt too good to be true. We decided to move forward with the match and the baby was due just two months later on 1/12/22.

We had the nursery ready to go about one month into our adoption journey (because I’m a little crazy and like to be prepared), but had a few last minute odds and ends to prepare before we brought the baby home (diapers, wipes, medicine, bottles, formula, etc.). We only let our inner circle of family and friends know that we had matched and then set in for ‘the wait’, and we’re not going to lie, it is TOUGH! Every time we wanted to sulk about how difficult it was for us to wait, we reminded ourselves that there was an incredible woman going through one of the hardest periods of her life, and in so doing giving us the opportunity to become parents. Those feelings of gratitude, respect, and awe definitely helped keep us in check! That said, every medical appointment, every call/text/email from the agency, every late night rabbit hole your brain can travel down, were pretty stressful. For a variety of reasons, as the due date approached, birth mom requested that she be induced a week early on January 5th, and her medical team agreed. So, on January 2nd, we loaded the Jeep up with what can only be described as a mobile nursery and our dog Barley, and headed down to Florida. Yes, we brought our dog all the way to Florida because we couldn’t stand the thought of boarding Barley for what would be nearly a month away from home.

We arrived in Florida on January 4th and rented an Airbnb to be near the hospital and waited for the call. Because the adoption was fully closed and due to the hospital’s COVID policy, we knew we would not be allowed to be at the hospital for the birth or for 48 hours following the birth. Also because of COVID and the hospital being at capacity, our birth mom’s induction kept getting postponed. After several days of delays, and the greatest test of our patience to date, birth mom finally gave birth to a healthy baby boy on 1/8/22 at 10:30pm. Birth mother never wavered and stuck to her plan exactly (the plan/case that seemed to be too good to be true just two months before). She was strong, brave, courageous and selfless, and on 1/11/22 after all of our paperwork was signed at the hospital, our son Henry Jack Humphrey was carried down from the nursery and placed in our arms by a nurse with surprisingly little fanfare (“Here’s the kid, good luck!”) This was also, however, the first time we got to meet the incredible representatives from the adoption agency in person. They were so informative, selfless, and giving through our entire time in Florida, it was truly amazing. They helped make our discharge more special with some photos and parenting tips.

Once discharged from the hospital we were required to stay in the state of Florida for the ICPC process. ICPC stands for “Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children.” It’s one of the few federal laws regulating adoption in the United States. No matter which state you live in and which state you adopt from, you will need to meet ICPC regulations and requirements for an interstate adoption. Once ICPC was complete we were cleared to leave the state of Florida with Henry and head home.

We arrived home to Minnesota on January 26th and are now in a 6-7 month wait period before the adoption becomes legally finalized in court. We were required to complete two post-placement home study visits with our social worker from Adoption MN. Now we wait on the rubber stamp from the State of Florida to process the case and finalize everything. If anything exciting happens between now and then we’ll be sure to update this post, but everything we’ve heard is that it’s a painless legal process, the last step on our long legal journey.

We are absolutely in love with Henry and feel so fortunate to be dads. We cannot thank everyone who has supported us along the way. To our families, friends, Nicole & Janna, the Adoption MN & Destiny teams, medical staff, breast milk donors, and everyone in between — from the bottom of our hearts, thank you! You are the people who kept us going when we didn’t know if we could.

Below we will list the contact information for Nicole Witt of The Adoption Consultancy and our home study agency, Adoption Minnesota. We appreciate you taking the time to read our story and of course please don’t hesitate to let us know what questions you have. We wish you the best on your adoption journey!

The Adoption Consultancy
www.theadoptionconsultancy.com

Adoption Minnesota
www.adoptionmn.com

OUR ADOPTION JOURNEY